Kari Kampakis
On a family trip to a tropical island during one Spring Break, I got a text from my daughter’s friend.
Help! These guys are begging us to party with them tonight, and they won’t leave us alone.
I got to the girls quickly, thanks to it being a small resort. Sure enough, 5 young men were surrounding and flirting with my daughter and her friend, both 16, as they laid out. The girls were trying to be polite, so I told the guys (who looked to be about 20) to leave them alone.
They left, and when my husband came, the girls explained how they couldn’t get rid of them. The guys tried to convince them to leave the resort, even as they repeatedly turned them down.
With anger crossing his face, my husband said, “Girls, you’ve got to be blunt. If blunt doesn’t work, get ugly. Don’t beat around the bush, especially with guys like that. Next time tell them to get lost. Or get up and leave and report them to the front desk.”
It was great advice – yet advice I’d never heard myself. For many females, being blunt does not come naturally, especially in the South, where we’re raised to have good manners. But sometimes, manners must fly out the window, and as we prepare our daughters for the real world, it’s imperative to talk through different scenarios that call for a different voice.
Every girl’s voice deserves to be heard, and every girl needs guidance with using her voice wisely.
At one extreme, there are girls who have a strong voice and say exactly what they think, yet they lack tact and warmth. They may have no problem telling boys to get lost, but they struggle in everyday relationships. They hurt people’s feelings and have no social filter.
At the other extreme, there are girls who have a kind voice. They’re loved and respected – but they don’t speak up. They let people take advantage of them and often feel powerless over their lives. When they find their voice, often as grown women, they may be bitter due to years of suppressed anger.
Neither extreme is healthy, and the truth is, it’s possible to be strong and kind. Honest and tactful. Assertive and congenial. Respectful when we feel safe – and ugly and blunt when we don’t.
More than ever, today’s girls need healthy assertion. In a society where people will walk all over others and prey on the weak, girls should know how to take up for themselves, protect themselves, let boys down, tell friends when they hurt their feelings, and effectively express their emotions.
So how do we teach our daughters healthy assertion? How do we help them read situations and find the voice that is needed? Here are 6 points to start the conversation.
Your needs and desires matter. It’s not your job to make everyone happy. One of my daughters used to never speak up in family decisions. And what hit me on one vacation was how she rarely chimed in on even little things like where to eat. When I asked why, she said, “I just like to make people happy.”
Immediately I saw the flag of a people-pleasing personality. I didn’t want her to lose herself and become a passive participant of life, so I started asking for her opinion more, reminding her that her thoughts and desires matter, and encouraging her to speak up even as her siblings voiced strong opinions.
One secret to being heard is to raise your argument, not your voice. People who are loud, offensive, vulgar, brash, or always angry push rational people away. They attract extremists, which never leads to a positive life.
The best voices – ones that really inspire change – make people think, empathize, and open their hearts and minds to a higher point of view.
It’s okay to be rude to stay safe. Most guys fall into two categories: protectors and predators. Predators may look harmless initially to get what they want.
Trust your gut, and know if a situation doesn’t feel right, it’s usually not right. Walk away while you can, and don’t let anyone play on your niceness or give you a guilt-trip.
It’s your right to say no. In the book Boundaries, the authors explain how God gives you your time, your life, and your body as gift. It’s your job to be a good steward of those gifts.
The authors declare no as the most basic boundary-setting word. It tells people that you exist apart from them, and you are in control of you. Boundaries are a “litmus test” for your relationships because people who can respect your boundaries will love your will, opinions, and separateness. People who can’t respect your boundaries will only love your compliance, your yes but not your no. Don’t let anyone take your power away – especially when it comes to your no.
Being a people-pleaser can make you say and do things you don’t mean. Since girls tend to be relationship-driven, many have an enormous fear of upsetting others, rocking the boat, or losing approval.
Being a people-pleaser can make you tell people what they want to hear, even if it means white lies. It can make you go out with a boy you don’t like – or be talked into bad decisions – because you’re scared to hurt feelings or make a scene.
Value your relationships, but not the point where you compromise your values, cower against strong personalities, or choose what is easy over what is right. Real relationships can handle differences in opinion and truth that’s spoken in love.
Learning to self-advocate brings lifelong benefits. In Mountain Brook schools, self-advocacy starts early. Beginning in middle school, teachers encourage students to speak up, email, and come to them directly with questions or problems rather than have their parents do it.
It’s awkward at first, but students adjust, and by high school they are comfortable interacting with teachers and adults. This is a big reason why our students end up in leadership positions in college.
Too often in life, we wait for things to happen rather than voicing our hopes, needs, dreams, ideas, and concerns. Learning to self-advocate empowers you and gives you the confidence to advocate for others too.
Every girl should know that her voice matters. And should your daughter ever find herself in a tricky situation, needing a voice that means business, I hope she rises to the occasion. I hope she finds the strength to say what needs to be said and keep herself and others safe.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker, and blogger. Kari’s newest book, More Than a Mom: How Prioritizing Your Wellness Helps You (and Your Family) Thrive, is now available on Amazon, Audible, and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s bestselling other books – Love Her Well, Liked, and 10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.
