One challenge of raising teenagers is teaching emotional regulation.
Psychologist and author Dr. Lisa Damour says that teenagers often have the right feeling on the wrong scale. They need help bringing their feelings down to size.
As parents, we do this by naming their feelings, talking about them and using a tone that conveys warmth and confidence in them.
It sounds easy, but in the moment it can be hard, uncomfortable or irritating to witness a teen's unpleasant emotions. Personally, I want to rush through them. I want to give my teens pep talks or life lessons. I’ve told them how they should feel before listening to how they do feel. I’ve expected them to master emotions that still elude me.
I didn't realize my tendency until my daughter told me one day, “You and Dad are always like, perspective, but I’m allowed to be upset over dumb things for five minutes.” She was right. While my instinct is to “fix” emotions that make me uncomfortable, my kids benefit more when I let them feel what they feel. After all, emotions buried alive always resurface.
At the same time, I know emotions can make or break a person. They affect every relationship that they have. We all know adults who don’t have emotional regulation, and it’s detrimental to their relationships.
So how do we let our teenagers vent and unload — yet also teach them to take raw emotions to a more evolved place? How do we help them identify their triggers and know when to walk away?
Here are a few ideas.
Remember that a teenager’s response to the world is driven by emotion, not reason. Dr. Frances Jensen, author of “The Teenage Brain,” says that during adolescence, more than any other time, emotions rule our lives.
“Teenagers are usually up or they’re down,” she says, “and they are very rarely something in between. As parents we sometimes experience our teenagers’ emotional highs and lows as frighteningly out of control, and because our teenagers are as of yet unable to smooth things out using their frontal lobes, it’s up to us to be the filter, the regulator, to provide the sense of calm their brains can’t yet provide.”
In other words, they need us for their
reality check, a voice of reason and calm in the chaos.
Love your teenager and let them vent — but don’t be their punching bag. Teenagers push limits, and sometimes we take more than we should because we sympathize with their struggles, we hate fighting or we’re scared of losing them.
But if you tolerate disrespect, you set a bad precedent. One day it won’t be you who your child is coming home to; it will be their roommate, spouse, child. It’s OK to vent, but not if you disrespect someone else in the process. Expecting respect as a parent is an act of love that will help our teen.
Watch for rumination. It’s good to talk through problems, but dwelling is another story. There comes a point where enough is enough, and it’s time to move on. In today’s culture of self-focus, teenagers can get so wrapped up in their feelings that they ignore the feelings of those around them. One cure for this is service or an act of kindness to help your teen get out of their head.
Encourage self-care. Controlling emotions is easier when you feel good. When life is a flurry of too much stress, too little sleep, poor eating habits and an overload of screen time, your child’s defenses are down, and, like all of us, they’re more likely to snap.
Remind them to avoid technology when they’re in a feisty mood. We all get angry and overreact at times, but keeping these moments private (and undocumented) can prevent your teen from burning bridges. People don’t forget the accusations, attacks or passive-aggressive remarks that fly in heated moments, so remind your child to stay off technology until they’ve cooled down. Otherwise, they may channel their emotions into a keypad.
Encourage one-on-one resolution. Most people never learn conflict resolution. When they feel hurt, they blow up or bottle it up. They give the offender a piece of their mind, or they pretend they’re fine while letting the truth seep out through passive-aggressiveness.
Issues can often be resolved (or partially settled) when two people talk without accusations. When one can calmly say, “Hey, this wasn’t like you, but it really hurt my feelings when you kept teasing me. I don’t want this to come between us, and that’s why I’m telling you, because I value our friendship,” this approach makes a friend more likely to listen and less likely to get defensive. It keeps little issues from turning into big ones.
See conflicts as opportunities. Emotional intelligence grows best in loving relationships. Your teenager may not realize that not everyone thinks like them until their blunt honesty makes someone cry. If they hold grudges, they may not value grace until someone forgives them. Through conflict, your teen gets exposed to different viewpoints that can expand their heart, mind and soul.
As parents, we can only take our kids as far as we have come. To raise emotionally healthy teens, we must be emotionally healthy too, always growing our intelligence and setting a good example.
When your teenager feels emotional, let them talk freely. Stay calm and give words to their feelings. Assure them they are normal, and help them find healthy outlets and coping strategies. Most importantly, encourage them to pray and get quiet before acting on knee-jerk responses. Help them work toward measured responses that lead to peace and stronger relationships.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Kari’s newest book, “More Than a Mom: How Prioritizing Your Wellness Helps You (and Your Family) Thrive,” is now available on Amazon, Audible and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s bestselling other books — “Love Her Well,” “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.
