Life Actually By Kari Kampakis: When your daughter doubts her beauty
My daughter, at the ripe old age of 11, stared at her reflection in the mirror as I helped her prepare for an event.
What she saw in the mirror isn’t what I saw in the mirror, much to my dismay.
Out of the blue, she started critiquing herself. Naming and nitpicking every flaw. It broke my heart, but when I interrupted, telling her how beautiful she is, she got defensive and annoyed. No compliment could change her mind, and the more I talked, the more irritated she became.
That’s when I realized my daughter has an internal battle she’ll wrestle with, like almost every female I know. She has a critic in her head who will sometimes cloud her thinking and distort her self-image.
My instinct was to save her, to keep spurting affirmations and prove her analysis wrong, but since my talking made matters worse, I left it at this:
“You are beautiful, and I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. I wish you could see the truth. My prayer for you is that you’ll learn to see yourself through God’s eyes, because He loves you so much.”
I learned this insight the hard way. You see, there was a night several years prior to this when I was bashing myself in front of a mirror, and my husband had to listen.
We were getting ready for a date, and I was in a foul mood. I’d been working on deadlines and not taking care of myself, and my frustration came to a head as I stared in the mirror and tore myself apart.
My husband, being the smart husband he is, told me, “You are beautiful. Why can’t you see that? There is nothing wrong with you. You’re an amazing woman, and I’m the luckiest guy to have you.”
His flattery lingered for two seconds — but then it went in one ear and out the other. I refused to listen, and after a little more mental abuse, I noticed him staring at me. His eyes were sad as he got quiet
and looked at me in a way that revealed how much it bothered him to hear me mistreat myself.
“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” he said. “I don’t know what else to say to convince you that you’re wrong.”
Whoa. His words resonated, and it felt like God speaking to me, telling me how much it pained Him to hear me insult what He’d created.
Ironically, I was working on a book to tell teen girls about God’s extravagant love. Clearly some of the messages — you are God’s masterpiece; God loves you at maximum capacity even on your worst days; if you could see the way God looks at you, you’d never doubt your worth again — had yet to sink into my own heart.
What I hoped to teach teenage girls was a message I needed myself.
I want my children to know they’re beautiful because they’re made in God’s image. I want a healthy self-love that propels them to live their best life with confidence and courage.
And while I’ll always affirm them and counter the critic in their head, I know my influence is limited. More critical than any dialogue I have with my girls is the dialogue they have with themselves. What they wrap their mind around and internalize as they stare into a mirror.
I can’t make my daughters believe they’re beautiful. As my husband learned with me, it’s not that simple. What I can do is speak truth and pray for God to open their heart to this truth. I can pray for wisdom and clarity, asking God to help my daughters see themselves through His eyes.
Learning to embrace one’s beauty is a lifelong process. It’s often two steps forward and one step back. So whether it is your daughter who’s struggling with self-image or you, her ever-evolving mom, find hope through God, who gently leads us to self-acceptance and celebration of what He created.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Kari’s newest book, “More Than a Mom: How Prioritizing Your Wellness Helps You (and Your Family) Thrive,” is now available on Amazon, Audible and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s bestselling other books — “Love Her Well,” “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.