Life Actually By Kari Kampakis: To the girl who just had a hard breakup

Let me begin by saying, I’m sorry you are hurting. I wish there was a shortcut through the pain you feel now.

I don’t know your story — whether he broke up with you or you broke up with him because you felt like you had to — but I can guess this: You liked that boy. When things were good, when you hit that magical peak, you felt happier than ever before. 

Looking back, the good memories may flood your mind. They play on repeat like a movie trailer, cinematic highlights that make you ache for what you had and fear that you’ll never experience that level of joy again. 

But you will, my friend. You now have a better idea of what you need and who you want to be. If you reflect on the lessons from this relationship, you’ll gain self-awareness and wisdom. 

It’s difficult to think straight when your emotions are tangled, so here are a few truths to help you navigate your breakup. 

You are a gift. The end of any relationship can make you doubt yourself and question your worth. When someone changes their mind about you, loses interest, gets bored, betrays you or starts taking you for granted, it can lead to a grueling self-critique where you ultimately conclude that you must be the problem, because if you were prettier/skinnier/funnier/smarter/more exciting, this wouldn’t have happened.

But remember: The same God who made the stars and the moon and raised Jesus from the dead also created you. You are His masterpiece, loved passionately and unconditionally. Many people in this world won’t treat you like a gift or see you through God’s eyes, but that doesn’t change your value. Know your worth and treat others like a gift as well, because that’s where healthy relationships begin. 

Boys will come and go — but God is forever. A boy will never be the solution to all your problems. Why? Because boys are humans, not saviors. They’re meant to be a part of your life, but not the center of your universe.

Girls often put boys on pedestals they don’t deserve to be on. They mistake infatuation for real love, pouring their heart and soul into relationships that devastate them in the end. 

The upside of a breakup is that it interrupts any spell. It reminds you why God wants to be your #1: Because if you don’t worship Him, you’ll worship something or someone else. A boy can say “I love you” on Monday and then break up with you on Tuesday, but God never leaves. By putting your trust in Him, by letting this breakup inspire a deeper and richer faith, you’ll find the security you’re looking for and be better positioned to find real joy. 

The first cut is the deepest. With your first real boyfriend comes your first real breakup — and many real emotions.

You can feel more saddened by a relationship that lasted six weeks versus two years if your connection was really special. Even if the parting was mutual, even if you’re at peace with your decision, you may feel pangs when you see him move on.

These pangs are not a sign that you need to get back together. Instead, accept them as part of the process and keep people around you who remind you of why you broke up.

It’s possible to be a good ex. Girls handle breakups in vastly different ways. 

While some girls act mature, others get bitter. They beat the dead horse into the ground, even losing friends who get tired of the rants.

Be sad at home, cry your eyes out with friends, but in public and at school, hold your head up high. Don’t burst into tears at the sight of your ex. Don’t glare or key his car. Don’t exact revenge or make him extra-certain that cutting ties with you was the best move he ever made.  

If you handle your breakup maturely, you may be friends one day. Be the girl he remembers fondly as the one who got away. 

Dating is about rejection. A priest once told me that dating is about rejection, and the purpose of dating is to find the one person you’re meant to marry.

This eases the sting of rejection. It’s a great reminder to keep your relationships innocent, because it’s 99.99% guaranteed that any boy you date won’t be your husband. 

With some boys, you’ll know immediately if you’re compatible. There may be one date, and that’s it. With others, you’ll want to dig deeper. It may take months to get to the hidden qualities that aren’t readily apparent, like how he won’t hold your hand in public, makes no effort to know your family, etc. 

Through innocent dating and friendships with boys, you discern what you like and don’t like. You build a radar for the protectors and the predators. You get to know yourself so that when your husband comes along (if marriage is in God’s plan for you), you know he’s the right match. 

Healthy relationships are blessings, bad relationships are lessons. As you reflect on your time with your ex, ask yourself, “Did he make me a better person? Do I regret dating him, or was he good for me?”

If he impacted you positively, then you didn’t waste your time. If he impacted you negatively, then you can chalk him up to experience and promise to never repeat that mistake.

Friends and faith make breakups bearable. When a boy has been a main character in your life, his absence leaves a void. You may feel lost suddenly having extra time and energy. 

Invest that time in your faith, your friends and yourself. Especially if you sacrificed your friends while dating, reach out, reconnect and apologize for dropping them. 

Dating or not, you need good friends. You need friends more than you need a boyfriend because 20 years from now, time spent with friends will be your best memories. These are the relationships that last a lifetime.

C.S. Lewis said, “Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose.” This is a solid motto for dating. Your worth is not determined by a boy’s acceptance or rejection, and while it’s thrilling to feel chosen, you can find peace in any season knowing that you are chosen by God.

Today marks a new chapter, so make it good. Protect your heart, have fun and build a life you love. If you’re on the right track, you’ll cross paths with good people — people you want in your life, whether through friendship or dating.

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker, and blogger. Her bestselling books are available everywhere books are sold. Join Kari on the Girl Mom Podcast as well as Instagram and Facebook.