Life Actually By Kari Kampakis: Talking to your child about virtue

When I was growing up, and especially as a teenager, the word “virtue” made me cringe.

What flashed through my mind was a picture of a nun or a monk, and since I had no desire to spend the rest of my life in a convent, it didn’t sound too appealing.

Today, as an adult, I think differently. I see the necessity of virtue to live a positive life, especially after witnessing the heartache, destruction, and consequences caused by unvirtuous choices. I understand evil as a corruption of the good that God creates and why virtue helps us become our best selves.

The challenge now is, how do I convey this to my kids? How do I counter the permissive, anything-goes society that pokes fun at anyone who tries to live by a moral code? Working with teenage girls, I’ve seen how the enemy gets clever. In this stage of life where peer approval is paramount, and nobody likes to feel awkward or alone, it’s easier to go with the flow and do what is popular rather than what feels right.

Consequently, many teens make choices they don’t want to make. Many who fall into the permissive, anything-goes lifestyle later wrestle with deep regret and end up in a counselor’s office. At this point, the enemy can go in for the kill, whispering lies to make them hate themselves or believe their future is doomed. Those who don’t know the truth about God’s mercy, redemption, and grace may spend years (or decades) believing hopeless thoughts. They may wrongly assume they’re damaged goods or that it’s too late to turn things around.

So when talking about virtue — defined as “behavior showing high moral standards” — it’s important to be sensitive to human fallibility. We’ve all made unvirtuous choices, and the enemy loves to keep us stuck so we don’t choose a better path.

As Christians, God calls us to be different. He sets us apart for His purpose. Rather than blindly following the crowd, He wants us to follow Jesus. One way to explain this to your child is by pointing to nature and the journey of a salmon.

A salmon is different because it swims upstream against the current while most fish swim downstream. In its final and most difficult journey, the salmon swims upstream back to its birthplace to lay eggs and produce babies. This takes great energy, perseverance, and commitment, and by the time the salmon arrives, it’s exhausted. Many die shortly after reaching this destination.

Amazingly, God equips the salmon to accomplish this mission. A salmon can do miraculous things, like leap up waterfalls and swim past hurdles such as fishermen’s nets, rushing rapids, and predators like bears and eagles. While some salmon won’t survive, many will. They’ll press on toward home to do what they were born to do.

This salmon’s journey is considered one of nature’s greatest triumphs. It takes more energy to accomplish this feat, yet that energy is spent in a way that maximizes life fulfillment.

Like the salmon, God designed us to swim against the current of what’s popular. He works miracles to help us reach our destination. We were created for eternity, and the longing for heaven that God planted in our hearts helps propel us home. Our journey is difficult but worth it. Even if we’re exhausted by the end, we find meaning and fulfillment in a life well-lived.

So how do you help your child live a life of virtue? What does “swimming upstream” look like in real life? These tips can offer a starting point.

1. Be intentional. Nobody lives a positive life by accident. Set standards for yourself and pre-decide what you’ll do in tricky situations so that when the time comes, you’ve mentally prepared and have a response.

2. Trust your gut. When something doesn’t feel right, it’s usually not right. Trust God’s quiet voice inside you over the megaphone of public opinion, and know that His nudges and whispers can guide you toward the right path.

3. Live for God’s approval. Many of us are people-pleasers by nature. We hate to disappoint or let people down, but this can cause trouble — especially when a questionable request is made, like a friend asking to cheat off your test or telling you to exclude someone. Friends come and go, but God is forever, so aim to please Him, not people. When you put God first, you’ll attract friends who do the same and won’t put you in situations that force you to compromise your values.

4. Know you’ll be teased no matter what choices you make. You might as well make choices that are good for you, help you sleep well at night, and honor God.

5. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Learning to endure awkward moments is a crucial life skill. Each time, you build muscles of self-control that prepare you for bigger pressures. Sadie Robertson once said, “5 seconds of awkwardness can save you from a lifetime of regret,” and it’s true. It’s okay to be the only person in the room not participating or to leave when things go south.

6. Find your people. In any journey, you need like-minded friends. You need allies who relate to you, support you, and have your back. Especially when you’re tempted to quit, you need friends who can say, “These are our goals. We can do it.”

7. Show yourself (and others) grace. Nobody lives virtuously all the time. We all mess up and miss the mark. Thankfully, God’s grace is bigger than any mistake or wrong turn. As He forgives us, that’s how we’re called to forgive too. Only through His power can we resist the pressures that get us off-track.

G.K. Chesterton once said, “A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.” When God’s spirit lives inside us, we gain the desire and the power to do what pleases Him.  Nobody lives a perfect life, but we can live an intentional life, a life that values virtue and understands its role in helping us become our best and propelling us toward our final home.

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Kari’s newest book, “More Than a Mom: How Prioritizing Your Wellness Helps You (and Your Family) Thrive,” is now available on Amazon, Audible and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s bestselling other books — “Love Her Well,” “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.