Life Actually By Kari Kampakis: Raising confident kids

If I had to name one thing that I don’t want my children to struggle with, I’d probably say confidence.

That is why it’s hard for me to see them doubt themselves or question their abilities.

I remember the first time I witnessed real self-doubt in my child. It descended upon my daughter unexpectedly, and I felt helpless trying to stop it.

She was in third grade and learning her multiplication facts. Every day after school, she practiced timed tests on the computer and dissolved into tears when she failed to beat the buzzer.

After a week of discouraging lows, I noticed a change in my child. My once-confident little girl seemed to shrink before my eyes as she lost faith in herself and her intelligence.

The worst part was hearing her self-assessment. It broke my heart.

“I’m so stupid.”

“I’ll never get this.”

“That’s it. I’m quitting.”

“I’m an idiot. I hate school.”

She had pegged herself wrong, of course, but nothing I said could convince her of that. Even her history as a great student was irrelevant in her mind. This challenge in math stumped her, and it messed with her confidence in unprecedented ways.

It took time and practice, but my daughter worked through the issue. She eventually learned her equations with speed and efficiency. With each step of progress she made, her confidence grew. And what I grew to learn myself was how little control I have in saving my child from a struggle.

This was (and still is) painful to accept. As a mom, I want to kick self-doubt to the curb. I want to believe that lots of love, affirmation and encouragement will armor my four children with bulletproof confidence.

But the truth is, my influence has limits. I can praise my kids all day, but how they feel about themselves and their potential is ultimately a matter that only their Creator can help them settle.

The good news is, God loves them more than I do. He sees the future and knows what they need today to be ready for tomorrow. 

While I want to rescue my kids immediately from uncomfortable situations and emotions, God sees the bigger picture. He understands how letting them wrestle with adversity and self-doubt can 1) draw my children to Him, 2) build character and 3) cultivate the right kind of confidence.

If life was always easy, and my kids easily excelled in everything, they’d probably be arrogant. They might take full credit for their gifts and success. But when they see their weak points, they recognize their need for God. They can receive His grace and let His power work through them, since God’s power works best in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

This truth leads to humble confidence. It helps my daughters see God as the bigger force at work and credit Him for anything they accomplish or overcome.

I want humble confidence for my children, but I wish there was a shortcut. I wish I didn’t have to watch them get knocked to their knees and pray they’ll make it back up. It toils my heart to see them struggle, yet I find peace in God’s promises.

God has carried my daughters through obstacles in His perfect timing. The breakthroughs always come when a breakthrough is needed most. And while I don’t enjoy watching them hit roadblocks or mental blocks, I do love seeing the confidence they gain when perseverance and commitment pay off and they emerge stronger on the other side.

It’s natural for all our children to doubt themselves, but I pray they never doubt God. God is working in them and for them, and with His help they can cultivate confidence that is rooted deeply in Him, enabling them to fulfill their God-given purpose and positively impact the world.

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Kari’s newest book, “More Than a Mom: How Prioritizing Your Wellness Helps You (and Your Family) Thrive,” is now available on Amazon, Audible and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s bestselling other books — “Love Her Well,” “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.