Life Actually By Kari Kampakis: For the father who has parenting regrets

One huge challenge for every parent is admitting the mistakes we’ve made.

If you have regrets as a father — in how you’ve treated your family, disappointed your family or deserted your family — know that it’s not too late to try and make things right. Owning up to your past takes humility, and God can work miracles with a humble, open heart.

At the same time, it may not be a quick fix. Depending on the pain you’ve caused, your loved ones may resist your efforts to connect and make repairs. Don’t get mad or prideful, and don’t give up. Reconciliation takes time, and since you're the adult, it is your job to be proactive and act mature. It is your job to pursue the heart of your child like God pursues us, regardless of whether we love Him back.

In Alcoholics Anonymous, there is a concept called “sweeping your side of the street.” It means cleaning up your messes and doing your part, even if others don’t. You can’t control your child or make them forgive you (that’s their side of the street to sort through) and if you try to control them, you’ll push them away. You’ll deepen the divide and amplify pain. You can, however, focus on making good choices and owning up to bad ones.

And how do you stay strong when you’re sweeping your side of the street yet seeing no progress? How do you keep trying to earn back trust when a situation feels hopeless? By letting God love you as you love your family. His love is transformative because it changes you, equips you and strengthens you from the inside out.

My friend Rachel is a psychologist who had a rocky start with her dad. His job and ambition kept him away from home, and when she was 10 years old, her parents divorced. When Rachel became a teenager, her pain mixed with teenage angst magnified her feelings. She resisted her dad’s efforts to make amends, so he started to write her letters.

They weren’t just any letters, but rather, eight-page to 10-page letters with life lessons she didn't care about. As a teenage girl, they made her roll her eyes. Still, her dad kept writing, even when Rachel didn’t respond.

When Rachel went to college, her dad made new efforts to connect, and this time she was ready. She was willing to put in the work as they spent time together and had deep conversations. Rachel started to visit her dad on weekends. They’d go on long walks, cover every topic imaginable and talk on the phone for hours. She realized they had a lot in common, and slowly, she began asking hard questions about his earlier choices.

She told her dad how his choices impacted her. He helped her understand his journey, and through these conversations, the most powerful thing happened: He apologized. He allowed Rachel to see how much pain he’d held onto and admitted that he’d change everything if he could. This admission was a game-changer for their relationship.

In the years that followed, they grew closer, and her dad was by her side as she graduated from college, got married and finished her doctorate. Then, two years after Rachel finished school, her father died unexpectedly. In an instant, the letters he wrote her gained new value and significance.

One of his last letters he wrote said, “At the end of our days, the most lasting legacy we can hope for is to be remembered with love and appreciation by those we have loved, encouraged, helped and inspired.” Her father accomplished this and more.

Rachel misses her father every day, yet she knows he’s with her because his lessons live inside her. He spent most of his life building his idea of perfection, yet the greatest gift he gave her was learning from his imperfection.

The moral of the story is this: It’s possible to finish strong as a parent even if you’ve made big mistakes. Love conquers a multitude of sins, and while the enemy wants you to stay stuck in regret — or to believe that you've made your bed, so it's no use even trying to restore what is broken — God created you for more. He created you to parent with a spirit of strength, not defeat, and to be the father your family needs.

Who you’re becoming today matters more than who you’ve been in the past, and even if you’ve made mistakes or got a rocky start, you can choose to step up and finish strong. You can commit to sweeping your side of the street … and doing it exceptionally well.

Every child longs for the love of their father. Your kids may not admit it or even know it, but they crave your company, your love, your presence and your approval. If you’re ready to make changes, yet you’re not sure how, start by keeping your motives pure and asking God to lead the way. Get creative if you must, like Rachel's father who wrote long letters that would ultimately open doors and become her lifelong treasure.

We all have regrets in life, yet the worst regret is knowing you didn’t try to restore a crucial relationship. Even if your kids are wary, or keeping up a guard, you can find peace in doing your part. You can discover that your life journey is really a faith journey in becoming the person and the father you hope your kids will remember.

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Kari’s newest book, “More Than a Mom,” and other bestselling books are available everywhere books are sold. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.