Life Actually By Kari Kampakis: Dating truths girls should know

When I was in middle school, my boyfriend broke up with me.

I handled it maturely: by hanging up and calling my friend in a rage. You see, I’d wanted to break up, but I was waiting so I’d have a date to the school dance first.

My only defense was stupidity. I had no clue how to relate to the opposite sex. Over the next 10 years, I learned by trial and error. Though it all worked out because I married a great guy, I look back and realize I could have saved myself some grief and embarrassment had I been a little smarter upfront.

Here are some dating truths for girls in a culture that presents a distorted view of romance.

► No boy is meant to be your savior. Boys may be part of your universe, but no boy should be the center of your universe. Why? Because God designed you to center your life around Jesus. Unlike people, Jesus is perfect and never changes. Anything you prioritize above Him is an idol, and sooner or later, idols let you down.

► Dating is about rejection. Keep your relationships innocent, and you leave an open door for future friendships. A priest once told me that dating is about rejection, and the purpose of dating is to find the one person you’re meant to marry. This eases the sting of rejection. It’s a great reminder to keep your relationships innocent, because it’s 99.99% guaranteed that any boy you date won’t be your husband.

► You date (and marry) to your level of health. Girls and women are often so lonely or eager to date that they’re willing to settle. They discount their value as they tell friends, “Set me up with somebody – anybody – I don’t care who.”

In the 2016 NYT article “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person,”  Alain de Botton said, “No one can be in an optimal frame of mind to choose a partner when remaining single feels unbearable. We have to be wholly at peace with the prospect of many years of solitude in order to be appropriately picky; otherwise, we risk loving no longer being single rather than loving the partner who spared us that fate.”

It’s better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones. Work on getting yourself in a good place — rooting your identity in Christ and embracing your value as a child of God — and you’ll attract the right guys.

► Where there’s smoke there’s fire. Sometimes red flags are obvious, and sometimes they’re covert. Either way, trust your intuition, be selective about who you spend time with, pay attention to weird vibes, listen to your family and friends’ opinions and value character. Even terrible guys have some good qualities, so don’t be fooled. If you notice a major character flaw — like lying or a bad temper — cut ties quickly. Never be scared to be firm, protect yourself or seek help in a potentially unsafe situation.

► You can have a rich and rewarding life being single. Chase your dreams, not boys. A boy may be part of God’s plan for you, but he’ll never be The Plan. Instead of wishing your singlehood away, use it wisely. Remember Saint Paul, who wrote over half the New Testament and traveled the world to spread the Gospel. While he certainly would have been an amazing family man, he couldn’t have done his life-changing work to the same degree.

Any relationship that’s meant to be will happen in God’s time. Create a life that makes the right guy think, “Wow, I really like her, and I want to be part of her world.”

► You need good friends before and after you date. Your friends impact your lifestyle, and your lifestyle impacts the guys you meet and attract. If your friendships are superficial, you’ll meet superficial guys. If your group considers substance abuse and hook-ups normal, you’ll end up in toxic friendships and romances.

Choose friends who lift you up, have strong values and care about you. And when you find a guy you like, don’t neglect your friends. Resist the temptation to pour all your energy into the romance, because you and the boy will probably break up, and you’ll need your friends even more then.

► Today’s hook-up culture is the downfall of healthy relationships. Saint John Paul II said the opposite of love isn't hate; it's using people. That is the problem with hook-up culture: it takes a sacred gift designed for marriage and devalues it, eventually making people feel empty, shameful, guilty, angry, sad, regretful or used.

God created girls and boys to enrich and complement each other, not use each other. Only with mutual respect can you discover agape love, the unconditional love where you give and expect nothing in return. 

► The best romances have a strong friendship. Friedrich Nietzsche said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes an unhappy marriage.” Chemistry without friendship will fizzle because friendship is what carries a romance through rough patches. Friendship makes you want to grow old together.

Your dating years are prime time to learn about friendship with the opposite sex. Approaching boys as potential friends, not boyfriends, takes the pressure off and allows you to get to know them without impressing them. Whether you date or not, you need good guy friends in your corner. The world is full of love stories that began as good friendships.

Don’t let one person’s opinion of you (or 20 opinions of you) determine your worth. God loves you even if the boy of your dreams doesn’t and, regardless of your dating status, you can have an amazing life full of faith, friendships and purpose.

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker, and blogger. Kari’s newest book, “More Than a Mom: How Prioritizing Your Wellness Helps You (and Your Family) Thrive,” is now available on Amazon, Audible, and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s other bestselling books – “Love Her Well,” “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.