Life Actually By Kari Kampakis: Coaching your daughter through friend drama
Years ago, I spoke to some moms of fifth graders about teaching our daughters to build each other up.
One mom, a successful entrepreneur, raised her hand afterward and said, “Ladies, we’ve got to teach this to our daughters now. I have 50 female employees, and we just had to have a big pow-wow over this very issue. These are grown women who can’t get along, and it creates a very unpleasant work environment.”
It hit me then why it’s essential to teach our daughters early how to deal with drama and conflict. Little girls who can’t get along become big girls who can’t get along, and as they get older, the problems and stakes rise higher.
How well we coach our daughters through the ups and downs of relationships has long-term consequences. It could make all the difference in whether they succeed or fail in their friendships, their marriages and even their careers.
Through my work, I meet many moms and daughters, and the most common dilemma I hear about is the deep pain that evolves when girls hurt other girls.
It happens to everyone. It happens because we live in a broken world where nobody is perfect and where people tend to be very self-
focused, thinking a lot about how others make them feel, yet giving little thought to how they make others feel. We have a mean culture where people get applauded for being funny even if their joke or sarcasm is at someone’s expense.
Most of all, we forget how to love each other. Without love, no one feels safe, and without safety, the instinct for self-preservation kicks in — and suddenly the mindset becomes “If this is good for me, who cares what it means for anyone else?”
So, what is a girl mom to do? How do you respond when your daughter comes home and bursts into tears over a social devastation, or when she starts hating school — or worse yet, herself — because she feels like she has no real friends? Every situation is unique, and some problems may be out of your league and require professional help. Some situations may warrant a conversation with a teacher or coach.
Typically, however, you can comfort and empower your daughter at home. Here are pointers to get you started.
Stay calm and don’t act on your knee-jerk response. One common mistake that moms make is overreacting or taking immediate action.
Mama Bear is real, and while some situations call for Mama Bear, it’s best to save her for the big events. Otherwise, you'll become known as “that mom” who’s always angry or upset.
In addition, if you ask your daughter if she wants you to get involved, nine times out of ten she’ll tell you no. She may stop opening up if she knows you’ll freak out or make the situation worse.
Save your actions and phone calls for when it really matters, and don’t send a message when you’re angry.
Be a source of strength and reason. When your daughter is hurting, she needs you to listen, empathize and meet her where she is. Don’t bad-mouth anyone; just validate her feelings and take in her story.
Tell her how sorry you are, how no one deserves to be treated that way and how the most hurtful people give us the best examples of how not to act. Remind your daughter of how much you love and admire her, and make sure she knows how deeply God loves her.
Help her breathe, calm down and brainstorm options. Ask her questions like, “What do you want to do? What do you want me to do? How do you want to handle this?” In many cases, your daughter will have ideas of how to respond and will not need intervention from you.
Remind her that her friend issues are nobody’s business, so don’t give her classmates the satisfaction of knowing all the juicy details. People love a catfight, and when girls show hints of anger or hurt, many people will want a showdown.
Your daughter doesn’t owe an answer to anyone because most people are just nosy and want to stir the pot of drama. If her classmates ask what is going on, she can say, “I love Anna, and we’re working through this privately.” She’ll see what kind of friend Anna is by whether she shows the same respect.
Talk to her about healthy relationships and setting boundaries with hurtful people. Some people are good for your daughter, and some are not. In every season, there may be someone who makes her feel small, belittles her, ignores her, gets under her skin, tests her patience or wants her to fail.
Not every conflict and tension can be resolved. Not every hurtful person will stop being hurtful. Your daughter won’t click with everyone, and that’s OK. She doesn’t have
to be best friends with everyone, but she
can be kind. She can do the right thing even when other girls don’t.
Help her understand that conflict is a part of life. She can’t control how anyone else behaves, but she can control her behavior and reactions. God rewards faithfulness, and when your daughter does the right thing — going to the source when there’s a problem to talk it out one-on-one, apologizing when she is wrong, not burning bridges that will come back to haunt her, being a peacemaker instead of a troublemaker, letting little offenses slide — it puts her on a path that God can bless. The blessing often comes in the form of peace and being able to like herself.
Even on your daughter’s worst day, God adores her. It may take a friendship rift for her to realize why she needs Jesus, why He’s the only reliable anchor when a storm hits, and if that is her biggest takeaway from a relationship fallout, consider it a gift. God never wastes pain, and even the heartache of friendship can help your daughter grow in faith and find strength through the love of her Father.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Kari’s newest book, “More Than a Mom: How Prioritizing Your Wellness Helps You (and Your Family) Thrive,” is now available on Amazon, Audible and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s bestselling other books — “Love Her Well,” “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.