Life Actually By Kari Kampakis: 12 ways to ‘mother yourself’ as you raise kids

A woman who once planned a speaking event for me said she wanted to “mother me” during my visit with a restful retreat in her guesthouse. 

I almost dropped the phone and hopped on a plane because the thought of being mothered sounded heavenly. Like most moms, I focus on my kids, and it felt wonderful to have the tables turned.

Because the truth is, the older I get — and the more responsibilities I bear — the more mothering and self-care I need. This is true for you too. Life requires more of you now than five years ago, and if all you do is give, you’ll get depleted. Your wheels will fall off. You’ll feel tired, numb, and testy.

For this reason, I believe in learning to mother yourself. Making sure you don’t fall through the cracks or get in the habit of self-neglect. How? By tending to and protecting your health. Doing things that build strength and stamina. Cultivating a life you enjoy. Making sure you feel equipped to handle the challenges of parenting and life.

Here are some ways to “mother” yourself and stay well for your family.

Keep your wellness appointments. It’s tempting to cancel these, especially when you feel fine, but prevention and early detection can add years to your life.

See a doctor when needed. I once had a cold that lasted a month. I tried to push through it, yet it only got worse. When my husband finally made me see a doctor, I learned I had walking pneumonia. I was so mad at myself for letting a small problem become a big one

Exercise. I discovered exercise in college as a stress reliever, and I still need it for mental health. It benefits my brain even more than my body. Of all the activities I’ve tried, I believe everyone can benefit from walking and Pilates. Try them with a friend for thirty minutes, then gradually add more time.

Stop beating yourself up. The scripts you play in your head matter. What you tell yourself matters too. When you mentally abuse yourself, you parent with insecurity, fear, and despair. Every mistake feels like a final defeat. But as Lysa TerKeurst says, “Bad moments don’t make bad moms.” God’s grace is bigger than any defeat, and through Him you can parent with confidence and hope.

Treat bad days as good data. When you have bad days, bad feelings, or bad experiences, ask yourself, What can I learn from this? What might God be trying to teach me? My bad days teach me about humility, compassion, and deeper dependence on Him.

Don’t dwell on regrets. You can’t change yesterday, but you can change today. You can be like Saint Paul, who had a change of heart on the road to Damascus once God opened his eyes to the evil he was doing. Paul went from persecuting Christians to spreading the gospel worldwide. He carried out his new mission like a completely forgiven man. God wants us to live that way too — as completely forgiven women on a mission for Him.

Create your team. It’s easy to find advice on raising small children. Any mom can share stories on potty training or helping toddlers sleep. But your kids grow up, you can’t share their issues publicly. You must confide in fewer people and choose advisers you can trust. It’s okay to have a small circle of consultants. Choose friends and professionals you admire and trust who give good advice.

Share your struggles. Problems are isolating. They make you feel alone, ashamed, and tempted to withdraw. The enemy wants this. He wants you to suffer alone so you’ll believe his lies. Don’t fall for his tricks; instead of turning inward, turn outward. Bring your struggles to light. Admit them to people who can speak truth and pray.

Spend time with friends. The beauty of friends is they only want your company. They renew you through laughter and deep conversation. On a good day, friends are a blessing, and on a bad day, they’re a lifeline. Carving out time with friends who encourage you will give you refreshment and a second wind.

Get enough sleep and don’t overcommit, setting boundaries and limits when necessary. 

Again, life requires more of you today than it did five years ago. Five years from now, the demands will be greater. By mothering yourself, you set the stage for a positive future. You improve your odds of being around to enjoy your family for decades to come.

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker, and blogger. Kari’s newest book, More Than a Mom, and other bestselling books are available everywhere books are sold. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast